Velcome to today’s lesson. It is time to go back to zee school. Ve vill begin our back to ze school education vith understanding ze sorostitute.
Ze sorostitute is ze most brand worshipping of all of you leetle retail slaves. She occurs most commonly on ze college campus. She has ze most expensive outfits, and ze least taste.
I must varn you, some of today’s lesson may be graphic. It iz a NIGHTMARE. You may need to leave ze room. I understand. Ze offenses are gruesome. Clashing brands! Ze pricetags! Ze motto: ‘My daddy has money and I vill happily VASTE it.’
Let ze nightmare begin, shall ve? Observe ze elements:
Ze sorostitute does not believe in formal pants. Jeans say “I got dressed.” Jeans say “I care.” No such sings for ze sorostitute! Zere are more important sings in life zhan “caring.” Ze sorostitute is “comfy” and “fun.” Sveatpants are “comfy.” Ze PINK logo on ze booty is “fun.”
Again: zhe does not believe in ze “pants.” I hope you’re taking notes, CLASS, hint hint.
North Face jacket
Costing upvards of $100, ze North Face jacket is also “comfy.” It is also “fugly.” Zis shapless abomination of fleece looks like a ze jacket your mom vears to ze football game.
Ze tank top is perhaps ze least costly part. It suggests sleepvear. But it is very important! It clings to ze body, making ze sorostitute think “sexy.” Ze jacket and sveatpants are comfy, but NOT “sexy.” Ze sorostitute must feel “sexy.”
Ze hair is ze most treeeecky to vork here. Ze hair must be up in a “messy” ponytail bun. But it must NOT be too dirty. Zhat is “GROSS.” Many vash ze hair, zhen put it in a “messy” bun high on top of ze head, and very carefully pull out strands and pin them back up to look like ze hair vas “thrown together.”
Ze sorostitute is NOTHING vithout ze bag! Ze bag is ze most costly. Ze bag MUST be a Coach. It MUST be BIG. Ze sorostitute that does not have ze big, Coach bag is a VANNABE. Some must settle for small Coach bags. Some settle for cheap bags vith a Coach ribbon. Zey are POSERS.
Ze ONLY acceptable substitute is ze Greek girl bag.
BEEG diamonds in ze ears. Zey can be fake, no one can tell. A Tiffany & Co. chain necklace. A Tiffany & Co. chain bracelet. Extra points for ze trucker hat and aviator sunglasses.
Zey are “comfy” and “varm” and are vorn in ALL seasons.
I’ll make it easy to remember. Think Lindsay Lohan. Ze skin is orange and ze eyeliner is BLACK.
Now I hope you paid GOOD attention! Next class, there vill be a QUIZ. If you fail, your punishment vill be to dress like a sorostitute for ze next class.